The 3 Ghosts of OnHINGEd Past
"Talking to a bot, a dude with brain rot, and sir date-a-lot"
What better way to analyze one of the most unavoidable topics in online dating
-THE ELUSIVE GHOST- than by example(s)?
Yes, 2BDs, I’ve now been ghosted three different times, in three different ways, by three different men (and “men” is putting it kindly, given their behavior). But hey, it’s all trial and error, right? You live and you learn, the hard way. Honestly, I feel lucky to have made it out relatively unscathed.
I don’t think ghosting should ever be normalized, but by accepting its current inevitability in the tangled web of NYC dating, I hope this helps you see how frequently it occurs AND how it ultimately reflects more poorly on the ghost, NOT the ghosted.
As the infamous Christmas Carol goes, Scrooge is visited by 3 different ghosts, so this Scrooge (hi, that’s me) has now dated (or almost) dated 3 types of ghosts throughout this series. Two you’ve met and one you are about to…
The Premptive Ghost: Warner. Ever been ghosted by someone you’ve never even met?
The Cold Turkey Ghost: Toe (Formerly Dimples). This is probably the most common type of ghost.
The Mutual Ghost: Prairie Boy. Sorry to burst your bubble, but I can now confirm Prairie Boy was the mutual ghost.
Okay, 2BD. When we started back in February, there was another suitor who nearly made it to trial, I’m talking pre-Marshmallow. As my colleague (who met his wife on Hinge) says, going from texting to meeting in real life is like converting a sale: Are you going to take this off the market or what? He has a point. This ghost almost did.
The Preemptive Ghost
Meet Warner. Warner had a lot going for him and had his chance, but ultimately fumbled, just like his namesake did with Miss Elle Woods in Legally Blonde. I won’t spend time on the full trademark intro since it never went anywhere, but to break it down quickly: 23. Paralegal. East Village-based. Former D1 athlete, drool.
Fun fact: he was my first like on Hinge and subsequent match ever. When I got the notification that night with Larry, I squealed. She rolled her eyes and said something like “relax, there will be sooo many more where that came from, now respond to him.” I appreciated her optimism, but they weren’t all 6-foot swimmers with dark hair and light eyes. Warner and I started chatting, and the banter (as always in the beginning) was so good; it was a quick switch from Hinge to iMessage. He even sent me his Instagram and we followed each other so I could confirm “he’s not a serial killer”, how thoughtful.
Even Larry is so impressed by his game that she jokes, “Wouldn’t it be funny if I just got you a boyfriend from your first Hinge like?”Hilarious, Larry! I mean the energy was matched without question, and I owe him credit for introducing me to my favorite emoji, which I pulled out on Toe before date 2. Anyways, I said it once, and I’ll say it again: timing is everything. Looking back on it, Warner and I were doomed from the start when both of us were going to be out of town back-to-back weekends.
The “I promise I won’t send a drunk text this weekend” text had me skipping down the street, it was perfect. But it’s so easy to fall into the trap of building up an idea of who the guy is behind the screen during the talking stage, before a first date ever happens. That’s why I steer clear of the whole “how was your day” or “good morning/good night” routine- it’s just too much. I have to actively work to take them off the pedestal I’ve put them on in my mind and remind myself they haven’t backed up their words with actions yet. And maybe they never will. GOD, so cynical, B!
When I got back from my trip, I knew I was going to reply with that same emoji and drunk text quip which launched us into a conversation about how he’s a paralegal and was going to Mexico for a trial next month…
First of all, any guy who claims to be a “good guy” is probably not a good guy, but I was blinded by the genius use of invisible ink, only outdone by the calculated sarcasm. I had to hit him with a cheap shot of legal jargon, “jury’s still out,” proud of that one.
I know what you’re thinking, all this chatter still and no date. Turns out he ended up staying in Florida much longer than I thought, so I followed up with a classic Larry Hinge Golden Rule:
Before you’ve met, you have free rein to double text/ call/ whatever because there are no stakes- this person is a STRANGER.
So I did. I asked him a simple question: if he got lost in Florida. He “haha”ed and said “yes,” he was still there. Beyond relieved that I had avoided the ghost (present me is laughing while writing this), I asked when he’d be back. He replied, “Not until [x] night, unfortunately,” so I said, “Unfortunate, but at least you’ll be back.”
Well, spoiler alert, he wasn’t back! Or *correction* never got back (to me).
And there it was: an almost three-week talking stint ending up as fruitless and barren as Scrooge’s soul. AKA: the preemptive ghost. So what did I do? I had to double down on the last word.
So why did Phelps preemptively ghost me? I have 5 theories:
He got back together with his ex. An offer most ghosts cannot refuse.
He met someone else. I'd love to know his secret in such a short time.
I’m just too sexy and intimidating. We stay
deluluconfident here at 2BD!He’s a bot. He’s just not a real person.
He’s shy about his microp*nis. Not ruling it out 🤷♀️.
Good riddance, Warner. I hope you become a very good lawyer one day and that you meet an Elle Woods who puts you in your place. If you called me out of the blue, I can’t promise I wouldn’t answer... curiosity did kill the cat, after all. But when Rufus asked me which ghost was the most haunting? It’s still Warner. It’s just too easy to lust after someone you’ve never met. Bold of him to still view my stories religiously, though, and not unfollow me. Alas, I’ll take the fan behavior and run with it🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️
The Cold Turkey Ghost
Toe: He needs no introduction. Allow me to direct you to the series of dates leading up to the cold-turkey ghosting, as outlined in entries 4.1 - 4.4.
Why did Toe ghost me cold-turkey? I’ve had several theories thrown my way: overworked (note to self: never date a first-year analyst again), uninterested, non-committal... etc. But no rhyme or reason prepares you for the sight of him and his friends casually strolling through the West Village on a sunny afternoon. Yeah. I phoned a friend and went the other way, definitely not worth it. I’ll admit, it was jarring to realize he wasn’t deathly ill or had moved to another country. He was alive and well, a functioning human being/ ghost, haunting my neighborhood streets. I get it, ghosting is part of the casual dating culture. But after four dates? A text would’ve been appreciated. Am I surprised he didn’t send one? Not at all.
The Mutual Ghost
Prairie Boy: The rundown goes: very solid first date, radio-silence for 5 days, then he popped back up on a Monday like no time had passed. After that, our texts were back to being quippy and fun, a man admitting he’s been a “shit texter”?? Unheard of! Damn.
He was prone to being quite random at times, making it easy for me to be bold.
We were two ships in the night—he was off one weekend, and I the next. It felt like the Ghost of Warner haunting me all over again. But this time, I’d met him in person and had a fun date. Still, it was just one date. Was it worth all the effort trying to figure out a second? I’d given him an opportunity, but I wasn’t invested enough either to push for a follow-up. So, I suppose with PB, the ghost wasn’t so much the person as it was the short-lived relationship. We mutually ghosted whatever it was by letting the matchstick fizzle out on its own. This was our last exchange:
Does Prairie Boy still view my stories and like my posts? Yep. Did he find out I’m related to his brother’s ex? I guess we’ll never know, but he doesn’t haunt me anymore.
Alright, there you have it; my official OnHINGEd Ghost Index. I’m sure you’ve encountered one of these types of ghosts, whether from an app or even out in the wild. Yes, it’s frustrating, but we’ve got to adopt the “trash took itself out” mentality. After all, why would you want to be with a guy, *cough* a ghost, who can’t even convert the pitch into a sale?
Besides, what does Scrooge learn from his ghosts anyway? The importance of a human connection! A ghost, no matter how handsome or appealing, never truly materializes. I guess the silver lining is that, if you look closely enough (take those rose-colored glasses off), you can see right through them.
Be back soon for the full reflection in Entry 12 of OnHINGEd!
Stay bold :)
xx 2BD
Love this Scrooge reference! so creative!!
how could anyone ghost YOU????